Comedy Time

Hey everyone. Now there is a time for everything: a time to praise,  a time to pray,  a time to study the Bible, a time to edify, a time to preach and…a time for jokes.  I’ve been asked to post some of the jokes that I had performed at previous conferences.

Have fun and LAUGH!!

• I heard about a scientist that said to God, “We no longer need you. We can clone people, we can transplant hearts and do all kinds of things, once considered miraculous.” God said, “That’s fine. But to prove that you don’t need me, let’s have a man-making contest. The only rule is that you have to make man out of dirt.” The scientist agreed and quickly reached down to pick up a handful of dirt. God said, “Not so fast. Go get your own dirt.”

• A preacher was talking with an atheist one day. The atheist asked, “Do you honestly believe that Jonah spent three days and three nights in the belly of a huge fish?” Preacher: “I don’t know, sir, but when I get to heaven, I’ll ask him.”

Atheist: “But suppose he isn’t in heaven?” Preacher: “Then you ask him.”

• I heard about this man who died and went to heaven. St. Peter escorted him down this long hallway filled with clocks. The hands on the clocks were moving at different speeds. St. Peter explained that every person has a clock. When they sin the clock ticks. The man saw a clock barely moving–Billy Graham’s clock. Another clock creeping along—Mother Teresa’s clock. He said curiously, “Can I see my clock?” St. Peter said, “Yeah, we keep yours in the office and use it as a fan.”

• A country preacher went looking for a job. The interviewing committee finally interviewed him. They asked him, “Do you know much about the Bible?”
  The preacher said, “Oh, yeah. I know the Bible through and through.”
  “What’s your favorite book?” they asked.
  “My favorite book is Mark.”
  “What’s your favorite part?”
  “My favorite part is the parables.”
  “Oh, yeah. What’s your favorite parable?”
  “My favorite parable is the one about ‘The Good Samaritan.’”
  “Can you tell it to the committee?”
  The preacher replied, “Yep. It goes this way:

“Once there was this man traveling from Jerusalem to Jericho, and he fell among the thorns; and the thorns sprang up and choked him. And as he went on, he didn’t have any money, and he met the Queen of Sheba. She gave him a thousand talents of gold and thousand changes of raiment, and he got into a chariot and drove furiously. He was driving so furiously, he drove under a Juniper Tree, and his hair got caught on the limb of the tree. He hung there for many days, and the ravens brought him food to eat and water to drink. And he ate 5,000 loaves of bread and 2 fishes.

“Then one night, while he was hanging there asleep, his wife Delilah came along and cut off his hair, and he dropped and fell on stony ground. But he got up and went on, as it began to rain. It rained for 40 days and 40 nights; so he hid himself in a cave, and he ate locusts and wild honey. Then he went on until he met a servant who said, ‘Come; let’s have supper together.’ But he made an excuse and said, ‘No, I won’t. I married a wife and cannot go.’ So the servant went out to the highways and the hedges and compelled him to come in. After supper, he went on and came down to Jericho.

“When he got there, he looked up and saw that old Queen Jezebel, sitting high up on the window; and she laughed at him. So he said, ‘Throw her down, out there!’ And they threw her down. Then he said, ‘Throw her down again!’ And they threw her down 70 times 7. And of the fragments that remained, they picked up 12 baskets full …, besides women and children. – They say, ‘Blessed are the PIECE-makers.’ Now, whose wife do you think she will be on the Judgment Day?”

Proverbs 17:22 “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.”